Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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