I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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