I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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