a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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