Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
