I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
