why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Everyone says I win the strip club
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
