Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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