I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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