i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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