marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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