Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
