I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
