Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
