wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
