You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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