Porn is love you can see.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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