i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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