Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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