Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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