Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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