How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
