cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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