is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
