I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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