Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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