There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
