There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
