allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
