So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
