as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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