burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
