Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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