I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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