ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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