Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
