I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
