What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
