I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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