First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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