It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
