yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
