I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
