ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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