I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
