I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Success! We fucked roommates!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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