if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
