Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
