Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
