Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
