I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
