If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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