Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
